Unfriending the false self

In chapter three, Palmer describes “living behind a wall” as the truth of our inner self living in disparity with our outer performance. He illustrates various expressions and motivations for such a way of life (the Saddam Hussein illustration is especially disturbing). Yet he astutely observes that while there are clear external enemies of the soul, there appears to be collaborators to those enemies right within our true self. For example, Palmer writes: “When our impulse to tell the truth is thwarted by threats of punishment, it is because we value security over being truthful” (p. 34).

One example from my experience stands out here. I have noticed a dilemma in my own life and others when faced with an authority figure’s leadership style, ethics, or direction that not a fit with your true self. Human resources management experts say when employees feel this way about their leader but do not leave they inevitably begin to act out in deviant ways at work, e.g. showing up to work late, leaving early, phoning in sick when they are not, deliberately taking longer to complete tasks, isolating themselves from others, etc. So I wonder what the collaborating aspect of their true self is that makes them put up with this?

Another similar example is becoming absorbed in values that are at variance with the true self. There are many reasons why a person begins to conform to such incongruent values. I found an interesting illustration recently when listening to a radio theater broadcast from the Adventures in Odyssey series (my kids and I love these!). In one show, a dialog occurs between two characters – Kelsey and Eugene – about the problem Eugene has with embracing the Hollywood lifestyle when give the opportunity. Kelsey defends this life as, “Here you have to keep moving. You have to play the game like everyone else does. That’s the way it is.” Here is the remainder of the dialog:

Eugene – “Perhaps I’m just uncomfortable with all the artifice, the fakery, the make believe. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I get the impression that everyone in this town is acting. Acting like a friend only so long as it serves a purpose. Acting as though they care when they really don’t. Acting as though the entire world revolves around what happens here without any regard for the rest of the world. Frankly I’m not sure how you cope with such a life.”

Kelsey – “You cope by doing it the same way. You cope by becoming a big star making tons of money so you buy whatever you need including friends. You cope by becoming powerful enough so you can create your own world. You cope by being better at it than everyone else!”

Eugene – “I think that’s very sad…to be so cynical. Couldn’t it be argued that by creating your own world you are actually missing out on the real world? True friendships, true feelings? Don’t you every wonder what would remain if the artificial world you created suddenly collapsed? What would you have left?”

Kelsey – “No Eugene, I don’t wonder. I don’t want to know.”

Sadly, it is as Palmer says: “Live behind a wall long enough and the true self you are trying to hide from others becomes hidden to yourself as well” (p. 43).

References:

Palmer. P. J. (2004). A Hidden Wholeness. Jossey-Bass.